Let's do Lunch...Box
AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Bing here with a little story 'bout LunchBox.
LunchBox is another of the crew I gotta tell you about. The nickname is courtesy of Frank who freely admits stealing it from Kevin Smith (Frank likes that guy...I haven't seen enough of his stuff to have an opinion)
Oh, where to begin on this one.........
I met Lunch (as I'll call him for short) in college just like the other guys I've talked about so far. Unlike the other guys though, Lunch was as introverted as I have ever seen a person. He was always friendly and generally smiling but he just never said all that much, preferring the background to the spotlight you could say (also a big plus to me, I've always secretly admired the quiet ones). Well as time past we noticed Lunch was always around, not that we were shocked or anything he was always welcome but sometimes with a guy that quiet you tend to not notice them especially with me and Frank in the room (imagine two bulls in a china shop with a goldfish in tow.....you get the picture now?)
Well, one night in which yours truly was not present (read..not invited) Frank and some girls took ole Lunch out on the town. Frank, being the evil man he is, was determined to get Lunch drunk and watch what happened. All I know for sure is Frank was unaware of the beast he birthed that night.....you'see Lunch talks when he drinks and he drank so much that night the gate apparently got stuck open, 10 years later we are still waiting for him to shut up.
Before you readers get all sympathetic to Lunch lemme give you a taste of a typical LunchBox conversation.
Person: Hey LunchBox what'cha do today?
LunchBox: Well...I worked on my time machine a bit. I got kinda frustrated because the signal harmonics are crossing and the main power unit only supplies 120volts at 8amps if the harmonics are calibrated to within 8 cycles of the main cpu, I mean that is unless you overtax the circuits to allow for a sustained flow of 15 amps laterally through the secondary bypass...blah...blah...blah
You see Lunch is a little smarter than your average person and tends to talk like a physics professor until you remind him your major in college was Beer and Boobs. Not only was he naturally gifted with an efficient and talented mind he also managed to pick up some wisdom somewhere...he understands the limit of his own intelligence....a rare find indeed.
........which brings me to the subject of women......
Lunch has a bit of a shy streak with the ladies, not the "She'll never go for me" shyness but the "My mouth is possessed" kind. On one historic occasion Lunch and I were standing outside the apartment of a very attractive young lady with great big bubbahoteps and a flirty way about her. Well, since such females tend to attract a crowd, Lunch and I were joined by two other friends. We were all having a nice, clean conversation basically doing our best to outnice the other guy so the winner could be naughty later. I must say I think we all did a great job until one of the other guys "Brad" commented on it being a bit drafty (remember this it'll come back up one day). To which Lunch's mind did the following....
**UPDATE**
change current strategy to include witty/funny remarks.....project substantial probability of grabbing a boob if successful.
**Searching witty banter database.....**
**Searching......**
**Searching......**
...
**Results found, overriding speech center**
...As I'm sure you can tell Lunch's response was less than witty, it missed witty by several miles actually, it did however punch funny right in the face with a sledgehammer. But before I give you the goods, let's examine the score and possible moves Lunch *could've** made. At this point in the now hour plus long conversation there was no clear winner nor was there any indication the contest would be decided soon. Brad's "drafty" comment was an attempt to steer the conversation to lighter more irrelevant subjects, and boy did he get his wish. Lunch could've commented on the lower temperatures that night had brought in, or on the choice of Brad's shorts when everyone else was in jeans, or even told us he had to go take a shit, any of it would be better than the dumb crap his mind handed him. But as I said earlier he might have been able to be wittier but he could not possibly have been funnier.
Brad: ".....a little drafty out here ain't it?"
Lunch:"Yeah...must be those prevailing westerlies"
...you could've heard a pin drop...then we exploded in laughter
I don't know if that is funny on paper but in real life on that night it was the funniest shit I had ever heard and I damn near vomited I laughed so hard. The girl was stunned she didn't know if she had walked into some wierd inside joke or was this guy serious or what? I was so shocked he said that in an attempt to impress a girl that I actually asked him "what the fuck is that?!" To which he explained "What? I've been waiting 12 years to get that into a conversation". By this time the girl was already back in her apartment no doubt locking the door behind her.
so Lunch ran a girl off..big deal huh? How about running FROM a girl?!
Several years later my future wife, Lunch, Frank, Slapp, Eunice (more later), and others were at a bar to watch "The Slapp Show" and have a few hundred beers. After awhile the place got a little crowded and Lunch and I were at the other end of the bar getting everyone's drinks. "Haaaaay, are yooooou shear withaynyone?" an incredibly attractive but obviously drunk college girl said to me. After taking a few seconds to revel in the fact that witness saw me get hit on, I told her "Why yes I am, but my friend LunchBox (I used his real name of course) right here isn't" She looked over at him and smiled and said, "HHAAAY LUNSHBOCKSSS!!!!"
Not being a total fool I did realize time was of the essence here so I ran full throttle to the end of the bar to quickly tell everyone a college girl hit on me and now Lunch may get a shot at sweet carnal bliss. As soon as I got up to the group I said "AAAYYY! Some boobied girl talkin' on me and Lunch...." .....was standing right beside me.
Folks, Lunch had to have moved QUICK to be there beside me in that amount of time, quick enough so that he could not have wasted any time at all, say like, by talking to that girl at the other end of the bar. I mean yeah "prevailing westerlies" was bad, but shit, it beats RUNNING from the girl.
I could go on..but you get the point.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Lunch isn't to be faulted for being shy with the ladies, he's too good of a guy for that. Truth is he'll make a woman really happy one day provided she doesn't mind watching ESPN 24/7.
If any of you are lucky enough to have that one friend that you trust more than you trust yourself you have a glimpse of LunchBox. This guy would run naked through a vat of razors submerged in rubbing alcohol for his family and friends. Dependable doesn't even come close to expressing his devotion to those he loves. Never once in all our years as friends have I ever seen Lunch too occupied with something else to listen or talk with me or anyone. All his problems are thrown in the backseat when he talks to you, that's how much this guy cares. I've learned more than a few lessons in loyalty and "goodness" from this guy.
He's my boy, I'll claim him anyday.
Bing here with a little story 'bout LunchBox.
LunchBox is another of the crew I gotta tell you about. The nickname is courtesy of Frank who freely admits stealing it from Kevin Smith (Frank likes that guy...I haven't seen enough of his stuff to have an opinion)
Oh, where to begin on this one.........
I met Lunch (as I'll call him for short) in college just like the other guys I've talked about so far. Unlike the other guys though, Lunch was as introverted as I have ever seen a person. He was always friendly and generally smiling but he just never said all that much, preferring the background to the spotlight you could say (also a big plus to me, I've always secretly admired the quiet ones). Well as time past we noticed Lunch was always around, not that we were shocked or anything he was always welcome but sometimes with a guy that quiet you tend to not notice them especially with me and Frank in the room (imagine two bulls in a china shop with a goldfish in tow.....you get the picture now?)
Well, one night in which yours truly was not present (read..not invited) Frank and some girls took ole Lunch out on the town. Frank, being the evil man he is, was determined to get Lunch drunk and watch what happened. All I know for sure is Frank was unaware of the beast he birthed that night.....you'see Lunch talks when he drinks and he drank so much that night the gate apparently got stuck open, 10 years later we are still waiting for him to shut up.
Before you readers get all sympathetic to Lunch lemme give you a taste of a typical LunchBox conversation.
Person: Hey LunchBox what'cha do today?
LunchBox: Well...I worked on my time machine a bit. I got kinda frustrated because the signal harmonics are crossing and the main power unit only supplies 120volts at 8amps if the harmonics are calibrated to within 8 cycles of the main cpu, I mean that is unless you overtax the circuits to allow for a sustained flow of 15 amps laterally through the secondary bypass...blah...blah...blah
You see Lunch is a little smarter than your average person and tends to talk like a physics professor until you remind him your major in college was Beer and Boobs. Not only was he naturally gifted with an efficient and talented mind he also managed to pick up some wisdom somewhere...he understands the limit of his own intelligence....a rare find indeed.
........which brings me to the subject of women......
Lunch has a bit of a shy streak with the ladies, not the "She'll never go for me" shyness but the "My mouth is possessed" kind. On one historic occasion Lunch and I were standing outside the apartment of a very attractive young lady with great big bubbahoteps and a flirty way about her. Well, since such females tend to attract a crowd, Lunch and I were joined by two other friends. We were all having a nice, clean conversation basically doing our best to outnice the other guy so the winner could be naughty later. I must say I think we all did a great job until one of the other guys "Brad" commented on it being a bit drafty (remember this it'll come back up one day). To which Lunch's mind did the following....
**UPDATE**
change current strategy to include witty/funny remarks.....project substantial probability of grabbing a boob if successful.
**Searching witty banter database.....**
**Searching......**
**Searching......**
...
**Results found, overriding speech center**
...As I'm sure you can tell Lunch's response was less than witty, it missed witty by several miles actually, it did however punch funny right in the face with a sledgehammer. But before I give you the goods, let's examine the score and possible moves Lunch *could've** made. At this point in the now hour plus long conversation there was no clear winner nor was there any indication the contest would be decided soon. Brad's "drafty" comment was an attempt to steer the conversation to lighter more irrelevant subjects, and boy did he get his wish. Lunch could've commented on the lower temperatures that night had brought in, or on the choice of Brad's shorts when everyone else was in jeans, or even told us he had to go take a shit, any of it would be better than the dumb crap his mind handed him. But as I said earlier he might have been able to be wittier but he could not possibly have been funnier.
Brad: ".....a little drafty out here ain't it?"
Lunch:"Yeah...must be those prevailing westerlies"
...you could've heard a pin drop...then we exploded in laughter
I don't know if that is funny on paper but in real life on that night it was the funniest shit I had ever heard and I damn near vomited I laughed so hard. The girl was stunned she didn't know if she had walked into some wierd inside joke or was this guy serious or what? I was so shocked he said that in an attempt to impress a girl that I actually asked him "what the fuck is that?!" To which he explained "What? I've been waiting 12 years to get that into a conversation". By this time the girl was already back in her apartment no doubt locking the door behind her.
so Lunch ran a girl off..big deal huh? How about running FROM a girl?!
Several years later my future wife, Lunch, Frank, Slapp, Eunice (more later), and others were at a bar to watch "The Slapp Show" and have a few hundred beers. After awhile the place got a little crowded and Lunch and I were at the other end of the bar getting everyone's drinks. "Haaaaay, are yooooou shear withaynyone?" an incredibly attractive but obviously drunk college girl said to me. After taking a few seconds to revel in the fact that witness saw me get hit on, I told her "Why yes I am, but my friend LunchBox (I used his real name of course) right here isn't" She looked over at him and smiled and said, "HHAAAY LUNSHBOCKSSS!!!!"
Not being a total fool I did realize time was of the essence here so I ran full throttle to the end of the bar to quickly tell everyone a college girl hit on me and now Lunch may get a shot at sweet carnal bliss. As soon as I got up to the group I said "AAAYYY! Some boobied girl talkin' on me and Lunch...." .....was standing right beside me.
Folks, Lunch had to have moved QUICK to be there beside me in that amount of time, quick enough so that he could not have wasted any time at all, say like, by talking to that girl at the other end of the bar. I mean yeah "prevailing westerlies" was bad, but shit, it beats RUNNING from the girl.
I could go on..but you get the point.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Lunch isn't to be faulted for being shy with the ladies, he's too good of a guy for that. Truth is he'll make a woman really happy one day provided she doesn't mind watching ESPN 24/7.
If any of you are lucky enough to have that one friend that you trust more than you trust yourself you have a glimpse of LunchBox. This guy would run naked through a vat of razors submerged in rubbing alcohol for his family and friends. Dependable doesn't even come close to expressing his devotion to those he loves. Never once in all our years as friends have I ever seen Lunch too occupied with something else to listen or talk with me or anyone. All his problems are thrown in the backseat when he talks to you, that's how much this guy cares. I've learned more than a few lessons in loyalty and "goodness" from this guy.
He's my boy, I'll claim him anyday.
posted by Broben at 4:48 PM
<< Home