Woah Man!

AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bing here once again with a tale you don’t wanna miss. You need Eunice you see.

I’m bad with spelling, and “Eunice’s” real name is something I always get wrong in emails and such, of course she never lets me forget it either so a few months ago I told her “Fine..I screw up your name so I’ma start calling you Eunice”. So let’s begin shall we?

I met the lovely Eunice in college (sense a pattern here?). I had agreed to do a play in the drama department hoping to meet some new people and possibly make a few friends. Eunice was one of the “biggies” in the drama department. She was rare in the fact that not only did she have some real talent but that she also had a real work ethic. Eunice always knew her shit, never was she late, she never complained, she came in did her job and nailed it every time….then she met Frank, Slapp, LunchBox and me, she ain’t never been right since…..

Before I go on, I really need to spend some time on this “Theatre Department” at my college. Dollar for dollar THE BEST entertainment I ever had in college, (next to a few ATO parties in the old days). The best way to describe it is to consider these three statements:
1-There is a fine line between creative and stupid—David St. Hubbins_Spinal Tap
2-Just because you’re weird doesn’t mean you’re cool—Bing
3-Make you wanna smack your Mama!!!—Slapp
....somewhere in between the lines is the magic that made it work. Believe it or not Jake is the one who has the best poetic take on it, I’ll let him *’splain* it to those that need educating.


…Anway….this is all about Eunice……

Eunice was the one that threw the party that birthed the King Frank, helped keep Slapp from chasing 17 year olds, listened to Lunchbox’s stories with patience, and watched me “bob and weave” Han and Chewie outta trouble. All around she was a damn good person and best of all…she was a girl. Not one of those giggly, stupid girls mind you but a strong stable woman, even in college. I’ve always said that Eunice is the type of person that is much older than her years. I mean it wasn’t easy for her to go thru college having to constantly keep “her boys” out of trouble, heartache, and jail. I doubt that without her glue and fist any of us would have stayed so close together. Granted we lost a few on the way, good and bad, but those who made it are the ones you keep and claim. I never for a second thought Eunice was anything other than a Keeper.

And if I did, I would’ve lost all doubt when this one time at band camp……………….

I had a girlfriend in college, she was a fire breathing, spirit crushing, hate filled, manipulative, evil, witch of a girlfriend. It really was all my fault. Amazing how much blame DDD’s can make a 23 year old man accept isn’t it? But then again I was a huge hormonal dumbass with too big an ego…..(I wasn’t bad on the eyes though…..) Well one night this girl had talked me into submission about going to see her Mom in a town some 3.5 hours away, I forget the circumstances but Eunice and Krock (more later) had decided to come along….probably for “the show”. Anyway, we start out in my parent’s back yard one night. My mother’s little dachshund “Tilly” comes running out to greet Eunice. (This dog hated pretty much everyone except for Jake and Eunice….weird huh?) Before Eunice can even get one leg out of the car Tilly is in the floor board all excited and frantic that Eunice is here!!!!! EUNICE IS HERE!!!! OOH MY GAWD EUNICE!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH

--and the dog pees all over the damn place…

**Later we used that as an excuse to leave Momville early**…Eunice saves the day, well…….with some pee from a small dog..but still it was EUNICE!!!!


Eunice also has one hell of a singing voice too. Not just one of those “Oh that girl can sing” voices but a trained voice. Talent and control, damn they sound good when she does it. If she’ll let me I link a few of her songs to this page. Damn good stuff. Can’t really say much about it you just gotta hear it. I think Jim Steinman said it best when he said “..it had a voice like a horny angel…”…it ain’t delicate but it is accurate


Well I could go on and on about how wonderful I think Eunice is, she knows I think she is the shit and that is all there is too it………………


LATE!!!!!

Let's do Lunch...Box

AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Bing here with a little story 'bout LunchBox.

LunchBox is another of the crew I gotta tell you about. The nickname is courtesy of Frank who freely admits stealing it from Kevin Smith (Frank likes that guy...I haven't seen enough of his stuff to have an opinion)

Oh, where to begin on this one.........

I met Lunch (as I'll call him for short) in college just like the other guys I've talked about so far. Unlike the other guys though, Lunch was as introverted as I have ever seen a person. He was always friendly and generally smiling but he just never said all that much, preferring the background to the spotlight you could say (also a big plus to me, I've always secretly admired the quiet ones). Well as time past we noticed Lunch was always around, not that we were shocked or anything he was always welcome but sometimes with a guy that quiet you tend to not notice them especially with me and Frank in the room (imagine two bulls in a china shop with a goldfish in tow.....you get the picture now?)

Well, one night in which yours truly was not present (read..not invited) Frank and some girls took ole Lunch out on the town. Frank, being the evil man he is, was determined to get Lunch drunk and watch what happened. All I know for sure is Frank was unaware of the beast he birthed that night.....you'see Lunch talks when he drinks and he drank so much that night the gate apparently got stuck open, 10 years later we are still waiting for him to shut up.

Before you readers get all sympathetic to Lunch lemme give you a taste of a typical LunchBox conversation.

Person: Hey LunchBox what'cha do today?
LunchBox: Well...I worked on my time machine a bit. I got kinda frustrated because the signal harmonics are crossing and the main power unit only supplies 120volts at 8amps if the harmonics are calibrated to within 8 cycles of the main cpu, I mean that is unless you overtax the circuits to allow for a sustained flow of 15 amps laterally through the secondary bypass...blah...blah...blah

You see Lunch is a little smarter than your average person and tends to talk like a physics professor until you remind him your major in college was Beer and Boobs. Not only was he naturally gifted with an efficient and talented mind he also managed to pick up some wisdom somewhere...he understands the limit of his own intelligence....a rare find indeed.

........which brings me to the subject of women......

Lunch has a bit of a shy streak with the ladies, not the "She'll never go for me" shyness but the "My mouth is possessed" kind. On one historic occasion Lunch and I were standing outside the apartment of a very attractive young lady with great big bubbahoteps and a flirty way about her. Well, since such females tend to attract a crowd, Lunch and I were joined by two other friends. We were all having a nice, clean conversation basically doing our best to outnice the other guy so the winner could be naughty later. I must say I think we all did a great job until one of the other guys "Brad" commented on it being a bit drafty (remember this it'll come back up one day). To which Lunch's mind did the following....

**UPDATE**
change current strategy to include witty/funny remarks.....project substantial probability of grabbing a boob if successful.

**Searching witty banter database.....**
**Searching......**
**Searching......**
...
**Results found, overriding speech center**

...As I'm sure you can tell Lunch's response was less than witty, it missed witty by several miles actually, it did however punch funny right in the face with a sledgehammer. But before I give you the goods, let's examine the score and possible moves Lunch *could've** made. At this point in the now hour plus long conversation there was no clear winner nor was there any indication the contest would be decided soon. Brad's "drafty" comment was an attempt to steer the conversation to lighter more irrelevant subjects, and boy did he get his wish. Lunch could've commented on the lower temperatures that night had brought in, or on the choice of Brad's shorts when everyone else was in jeans, or even told us he had to go take a shit, any of it would be better than the dumb crap his mind handed him. But as I said earlier he might have been able to be wittier but he could not possibly have been funnier.

Brad: ".....a little drafty out here ain't it?"
Lunch:"Yeah...must be those prevailing westerlies"

...you could've heard a pin drop...then we exploded in laughter

I don't know if that is funny on paper but in real life on that night it was the funniest shit I had ever heard and I damn near vomited I laughed so hard. The girl was stunned she didn't know if she had walked into some wierd inside joke or was this guy serious or what? I was so shocked he said that in an attempt to impress a girl that I actually asked him "what the fuck is that?!" To which he explained "What? I've been waiting 12 years to get that into a conversation". By this time the girl was already back in her apartment no doubt locking the door behind her.

so Lunch ran a girl off..big deal huh? How about running FROM a girl?!

Several years later my future wife, Lunch, Frank, Slapp, Eunice (more later), and others were at a bar to watch "The Slapp Show" and have a few hundred beers. After awhile the place got a little crowded and Lunch and I were at the other end of the bar getting everyone's drinks. "Haaaaay, are yooooou shear withaynyone?" an incredibly attractive but obviously drunk college girl said to me. After taking a few seconds to revel in the fact that witness saw me get hit on, I told her "Why yes I am, but my friend LunchBox (I used his real name of course) right here isn't" She looked over at him and smiled and said, "HHAAAY LUNSHBOCKSSS!!!!"

Not being a total fool I did realize time was of the essence here so I ran full throttle to the end of the bar to quickly tell everyone a college girl hit on me and now Lunch may get a shot at sweet carnal bliss. As soon as I got up to the group I said "AAAYYY! Some boobied girl talkin' on me and Lunch...." .....was standing right beside me.

Folks, Lunch had to have moved QUICK to be there beside me in that amount of time, quick enough so that he could not have wasted any time at all, say like, by talking to that girl at the other end of the bar. I mean yeah "prevailing westerlies" was bad, but shit, it beats RUNNING from the girl.

I could go on..but you get the point.


We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Lunch isn't to be faulted for being shy with the ladies, he's too good of a guy for that. Truth is he'll make a woman really happy one day provided she doesn't mind watching ESPN 24/7.

If any of you are lucky enough to have that one friend that you trust more than you trust yourself you have a glimpse of LunchBox. This guy would run naked through a vat of razors submerged in rubbing alcohol for his family and friends. Dependable doesn't even come close to expressing his devotion to those he loves. Never once in all our years as friends have I ever seen Lunch too occupied with something else to listen or talk with me or anyone. All his problems are thrown in the backseat when he talks to you, that's how much this guy cares. I've learned more than a few lessons in loyalty and "goodness" from this guy.




He's my boy, I'll claim him anyday.

Don't make me Slapp

AAAAYYYYYYYYY

Bing here with another peep to talk 'bout

Imagine if you would a mad scientist combines genes from Fonzie, Barney Fife, Big Bird, and Screech (the dorky kid from Saved by the Bell)........the result is someone we call "Slapp".


99% of the people you meet in your life will fit into some category. I know plenty of dumbasses, tough guys, ditsy girls, businessmen/women, rednecks, and even a few "good people".....but there is only one Slapp.

Slapp is the guy you never want to go into public with. There is no telling what he will say or what he's gonna do. You are just as likely to hear him say the f-word in church as you are to see him spill a slushy on Santa at the mall. He doesn't do it on purpose or to attract attention or even for your benefit, he just seems to attract awkwardness like fire attracts a moth. He's tall, lanky and his ears could be wings, he walks with a strut that bodybuilders adopt because their arms are too big to hang straight down, Slapp however has the arms of an 8 year old girl with asthma.

Before you paint the mental image let me add this.......

I've never seen a woman shoot this guy down, and I've seen him talk to the hottest looking thing in the room. The ladies love him, can't get enough of him it seems......must be nice.
Oh, did I mention he got his black belt in record time? One day he just up and decided to take martial arts...no real reason for it, no trouble brewin', he just wanted to learn something new. 30 minutes later it seems the boy had a black belt and the respect of his teacher (now that little guy was a BADD-ASS!!)

Think of a cat, they always land on their feet...just like Slapp
but, sometimes they do the dumbest shit........just like Slapp

My first impression of Slapp (not his real name...although the origins of the nickname are in dispute) was that his glasses were so thick you could almost see the back of his head when looking him in his eyes. My second impression was "Why the hell are all the girls over there talking to that guy?"....folks I ain't kiddin' it is truly a sight to behold. Back when I was single I wasn't bad with the girls, in fact at times I was quite the charmer. But Slapp was like a three legged blind puppy, they saw him and forgot I was even in the room. 2 days later he was telling bedroom stories and so were the girls. I learned real quick never to go to a bar with him.

Lemme tell you a story...

Slapp, some friends, and I were once leaving a church service (wedding) when I called shotgun before he had the chance to get it out. "You dumb mother-fucking redneck!" he screams.....30 feet away was a rather large group of rather large men...all with mullets and all talking about fishing and hunting...until they heard Slapp, then they began to walk towards us with what can only be described as bloodlust in their eyes. Of course the driver who's heritage I was questioning quite loudly refused to drive off until Slapp and I had put on our seatbelts. I was in the front seat...when it was over I was wearing my seatbelt, the remaining belt in the back and one from the car parked next to us. The men were at the door as we drove off.

When Slapp wasn't trying to get us all killed he did provide us with a wealth of stuff to pick on him about...and never once did he get upset or offended, we could say anything about him we wanted to but that was it. He always said the f-word in front of parents and then hit on their daughters by telling them how much he puked after getting drunk the night before , yet every Mom or Dad that met him thought he was the greatest guy in the world.

Either way, when the shit hits the fan I want this guy guarding my back.

-Bing

Hail to the King.....

AAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! Bing here with a shout out to a peep.

the names have been changed to protect the guilty

I got a buddy o' mine...let's call him Frank. Frank is the kinda guy you wanna kick back and drink some beers with or just hang out. You never have to worry about him getting too crazy or starting any trouble, its just simply not his style. But don't assume that makes him boring...boring he ain't folks.

I met Frank in college, when he was this wet behind the ears little vagrant just trying to fit in like the rest of us. At first I didn't pay him much attention (people come and go you know) but that was before "King Frank" joined us. King Frank was born one night at a party in Eunice's (more on her later) apartment on campus. You see there was this one chair Frank just HAD to sit in. If he came in and someone else was in it he would either muscle them out of it or he would just stand around until the "chair offender" got up to use the facilities or whatnot. Either way he was gonna get his chair.

Naturally, this was not to everyone's liking but there are bigger concerns for a room full of college kids than the subtle social graces of chair calling (i.e. Beer, boobies, avoiding the authorities, etc). Well one night all four came together in the coronation of the King Frank. Picture it...I'm sitting on the cooler beside the aforementioned King (then only a lowly peon) when he decides to exercise his quite sizeable mean streak (did I fail to mention that? I'll try to elaborate later). "Hey dude!" he says, "I'll bet you a dollar you can't make it another ten minutes without having to go to the bathroom." Well the 7 or 8 beers I had were raising serious concerns in the Senate of Bingness but I figured what the hell its only a buck.

What followed were ten minutes of that shithead poking at me and telling jokes and talking about his leaky faucet that dripped all night and so forth. He was doing anything to make us laugh, including taking the cardboard box an 18pack had been packaged in and wearing it as a crown, loudly proclaiming "I am King Frank and this is my throne!!!" History is sketchy on who exactly won the bet because before the ten minutes were up there was a loud banging at the door. The cops had arrived. Being the only person of legal age in the room I decided it was best to use my invisibility ring to avoid detection, alas I could not get it on in time due to the frantic, and quite obvious I might add, hiding of cans and bottles prior to the opening of the door to chat with the nice policepeople. Fortunately Eunice was at the door before I was called into duty. God Bless you Eunice (she's the one with the boobies....well her and some guy named Charles but that's a WHOLE different story)

Well Frank quickly composes himself and sets his can down where it cannot be seen and along with all the other fear stricken college kids......answers with a lot of "Yes Sirs" and "No sirs" when asked questions by the officers. Apparently the cops were ready to go home that night and relax because they left us with a lenient yet stern warning to keep the noise down. Well the entire time this was going on there was King Frank proudly sitting on his throne.....and STILL wearing the crown o' beers

Frank you see has the the uncanny ability to remember the most embarrassing things other people do and never let them forget those things. Case in point....have any of you ever heard the phrase "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken"? My memory is chock full of holes and lapses but the functional neurons don't have any files on that phrase in my head....until King Frank. You see one night I either said that phrase or something close to it. It is much more likely it was something closer to "Take a rough hand to do that finger pickin" ( I was an amateur guitar player at the time). But no, Frank was on his holy crusade....so to this day that phrase haunts me, I swear I never said it nor had I ever heard it, I mean I don't think along those lines that would create such a phrase (i'd love to) but it doesn't matter, the evil King beat me to the punch on that one.....and it wouldn't be the last time either......

Well Frank and I decided to do the roomate thing after college. So let's fast forward to the glory days of 725A. This place was the ultimate bachelor pad, it stank, there was always beer in the fridge, and a few ladies even stopped by for the night a few times. We had every type of geek gear we needed. We had the playstation and had even hooked up our computers together to play games. Our first game of choice was Jedi Knight, each of us were Jedi in training with that thing...we'd fight against each other for a few hours several nights a week after work until the evil mean streak in the King came to the surface. You see....I was trying to be the noble Jedi skillfully dispatching my foes with the graceful yet lethal cuts of my custom yellow lightsaber. I got to be very good at it too, a true "force" to be reckoned with. However, even a Jedi cannot stand against a dirty evil little shit that runs in circles around you while dropping LAND MINES at your feet...all the while laughing maniacally from down the hall in his room. Once he found the land mine trick I never won another fight......poor little Jedi guy.......But I was not to be so easily beaten. I chose another battlefield to avenge the death of the little Jedi man with the cool custom yellow saber, Mortal Kombat.

To those not familiar with the game it is your basic fighting game. Each player controls a fighter and each fighter you can chose from has several special moves that they can perform. Everything in the game (back then) was based on learning the key presses to do what you wanted to do. It was extremely frustrating to learn how to play but once you got to even a minimal level of competence you were hooked on it.

Once again I sought to make my little fighter guy the most gifted and talented martial artist that our playstation console had ever seen. I learned all the moves and was able to do them with my eyes closed I was so practiced at it. I was ready for the evil King......At first it was an absolute slaughter, I almost, ALMOST felt sorry for Frank. Until he developed a new trick far, far more annoying and effective as the land mine thing. You see, before the game would even load you could hear Frank over there violently pushing the kick button on the controller. As soon as the game screen came up there was Frank's guy jumping all over the place and kicking me in the face. It took two buttons to do the move and it was the only move he would do, and he did it over, and over, and over, and over,and over.....and it ALWAYS worked.

We dubbed the move a "Ramsey"** and to this day no one likes to play games with Frank. And why should we? He always cheats....and wins at it too!!!

But, nothing lasts forever..I eventually moved out and got married. Sometimes I wish I could go back and spend one more night at 725A........just to be able to play those games with my buddy one last time, either that or to get up at 4am and wake up the King with a gentle bucket of ice water and a nice soothing air horn.

It's been almost 10 years and he still hates it when someone gets in his seat and yes, he still cheats at mortal kombat......bet you that dollar I never got that he still has his crown too.


Everyone drink one for King Frank!

next up is this crazy guy we call Slapp
-Bing



*not our name, it was actually in a MK book somewhere, so credit to them.

Imsayin

As Spinal Tap said there is a fine line between creative and stupid. I have walked that line, tripped over that line, and yes crossed it on both sides more times than I can count. So reader, if you can accept that then read on....if not thanks for stopping by.


Glad to see you still here, introductions are in order. My friends call me Bing, my Mama named me differently but Bing will suffice for now. I'm the type of guy that is easily irritated and quick to give up on an argument once I feel the other person is beyond the scope of my ability to save. Its not that I'm never wrong, its just that I don't stick around long enough to be proven wrong unless I am really, REALLY interested in my own ignorance. Which from time to time is a great thing to be, once you realize your own ignorance (not stupidity...two different things) you realize that ignorance is truly bliss at times....damned annoying other times.

So let's begin shall we?
Bing's Top Ten "Let me die rather than sit through this again" List

10- Paris Hilton in any way, even the porn vid was annoying.

9- American idol (only good thing is that judge everyone hates, "You are a terrible singer". They should hear that said to them....they DESERVE to hear it)

8- Led Zepplin (folks get over it, there is other music out there....innovative, yes--the end all be all of music, hardly..)

7- Political Campaigns (this past election year I swear I would have gladly signed away the right to vote for the rest of my life if they had all just SHUT THE HELL UP!)

6- Having to make more than one trip to, with, or from the car.

5- Guinness Beer (I must not be manly enough, just tastes like fizzy ass to me)

4- People who complain about the cold. (put on a jacket you dumb shit!)

3- Greedo shooting first (he didn't...end of discussion)

2- Musicals (I have some friends who love them so I am open to the idea that it is me who is missing the point here)

1- Eminem (dude, you're white...get over it)




The Greedo comment made me think of this......."Enterprise" the Star Trek prequel attempt that was recently cancelled, had some promise until the "Star Trekkie" writers got involved. To illustrate here is the template of every Star Trek episode save about 5 since Captain Picard took hottie Troi to the stars.

Open (0-2 mins into show)
Problem is identified and grows in intensity (2-44 mins into show)
Problem is at its worst, failure imminent (44-50 mins into show)
Problem solved by some flux capacitor setting and/or time travel (50mins to end of hour)

Don't believe me?... watch the clock next time ST is on. You want good Sci-Fi? Try Babylon5....its dated as hell in its look by now but give it a chance, superb writing, excellent characters, great story arc. All on a budget of about $8.75 an episode.

Okay, let's switch gears before I start sounding like a 45 year old virgin living in Mom's basement. (some of you are no doubt thinking "Start!?") I know, I know.



Okay, maybe not then. I got on a run with the sci-fi and hate list so now my brain is empty...I'll be back when I fill up.



All comments, suggestions and hate mail are welcome.
You bunch of vagrants

-Bing